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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
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Okay, this a straight out tell. Describe about the rocking chair. And the word rocking was used twice. Try, swayed back and forth.
This is a great one. To me, this was all show and no tell. Great job!
Okay, between this sentence and the last, they didn't transition well. Maybe add another sentence in or rephrase this one.
Well, if it's adventurous, I'd like to hear it.
The word Ah, didn't click with me. Try, Oh. Because if she's pouting, then she's most likely to say that.
Oh, a goddess, really?
*Night Mistress~
I hope I could help you. These were the mistakes and comments I had. Sorry, if it took so late to review this. Anyway, if you do continue, pm me me!
*Merry
Night Mistress: Yes, I read the actual thing. I didn't find too many things wrong with it, just that the introduction had a lot of hers and shes. It's a little repetitive, and I just think you could be a little more creative with it, and also maybe you could have some more detail with the rest of the story.
I thought it was really cool, and I want to hear more!
Hey!
In this sentence, you repeat "her" a few times talking about both the grandmother and the grandaughter. Try and clear that up by using a few less pronouns.
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Explain this more. Say how she may have struggled to reach her grandmother's lap or something like that.
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What does she sound like? Raspy with age?
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Moria seems to formal for a young child.
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You used 'inquired' before, go for something else. Also, I'd write a way to make the mother trail off in mid sentence when she sees her daughter in her mother's embrace.
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I'd split this up somehow. "I'm right here, mommy," Moira said as she looked at her mother. "Grandmother was about to tell me a story." Something like that.
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This a bland and robotic. in the tag, add a roll of the eyes or lowered tone.
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That's all I have for advice. Sorry if I wasn't too helpful. I'm interested in the grandmother's story. Hope it's adventerous. Ha
Okay, I'm not saying my idea is the greatest but it might work to mix things up. Maybe, the grandmother wants to tell the story but everyone is sick of it already. Maybe she likes to tell it because she is sick of the way everyone gets married so easily and then divorced. I don't know, just a possibility. Even if you did decide to keep it this way, it's probably not going to make that much of a difference to the main story. Or, maybe this could be the first time she has ever told it to the girl. This would give you opportunity to let the girl ask questions and expand upon the emotions and thoughts from each of the members in the room.
dreamworx95:
thanks for your review. I have one question thought: did you read the actucal thing or did you just read the review? because I have already fix the opening.
fading-dream:
Thanks for your review. i too felt that the thing was cliche, but tell me how to start off when i don't to give anything a way just yet. Tell me how i am suppose to do that.
“I know, but I want to hear in again. Your story with grandfather is very interesting and adventurous,” Moira said as she lean against her."
I didn't really like this line. First of all, it should be leaned, not lean. Second, it seems a little awkward with a person saying, "It is very interesting and adventurous." Maybe change adventurous to something else. I also felt the whole thing was a little too cliche'.
I agree with little tin fish about that first sentence. You could take out the part about the size of the house because it's irrelevent. The other part of the statement about the woman rocking in the chair was a good way to start off. A lot of the time, a simple intro is way better than an overly detailed one.
Too many pronouns and a lot of these sentences start off the same.
I think you should have the mother walk in first, then say what she said. It's less confusing.
There were some other punctuation issues, but I'm sure everyone else has covered that already. This beginning, though a little cliche, is a pretty good hooker. I do think the names are a little complicated. But, since there's lots of weird names in fantasy stories, I guess there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that I found the grandmother's name hard to pronounce.
Anyways, if you want anymore opinions, just PM me.
Ciao babe,
Dream
XOXO
Yes, it's a prolouge. Well, i did have it without the name, but readers were complaining that i was too impersonal with the character.
Jiggity:
I'm sorry i didn't through your requirement and thank you for the acception. this is very rough and i expect for Intsructor such as yourself to be harsh with it. thanks again for the review.
First off, I normally would have rejected your request to review this as it didn't meet my guidelines. Those being that a) it should be read through and not riddled with errors, indicating you actually put effort into it and thus warranting my time and b) that I won't review stories already well-covered.
Since you were my very first though, I'll say a few things. Primarily, you need to check your grammar. No matter how brilliant a concept (and this one isn't so crash-hot to begin with) lack of proper grammar and punctuation makes it difficult to concentrate on story and ultimately, that's a waste. So make sure you go over this and apply some effort.
That's an odd phrase. I get what you mean by it, but it doesn't quite work. I think 'wrinkled by time' might work a touch better. Consider revising it entirely though.
I don't see the point in telling us the colour her hair used to be. Why not tell us what she didn't look like now, what she wasn't wearing, etc - its irrelevant and will presumably come up in the following reflective chapters anyway. Also, the phrasing is redundant. Cut the last part. That its white, says it all.
Bad grammar. Either delete the struck out part as shown or change 'with' to 'as'
This is a 9-year old girl? Make sure the dialogue reflects that, because at the moment, it really doesn't. A 9 year old kid would say something along the lines of "I know but I want to hear it again. That one is the best!"
Or some such.
comma after said, before dialogue begins.
I have to say this was a dull opening. Its saving grace is the length. Sounds harsh, I know. But the description was lacking - more of the house, the place would be good - the characterisation was one-dimensional and that's fine you say, its just an introductory paragraph; well if that's the case, cut the tired, domestic scene and and go straight from the granddaughter asking for the story, to the grandma replying with 'In the year of the etc etc.'
I'd be better inclined to read on if you took the time to spell check and read through your work. Sorry that this was harsh.
Cheers
Hi Mistress! Here for your review, as requested.
I like your beginning. It gives the reader a very clear picture of the old woman, and it feels calm. So no suggestions there.
Quote: “I know, but I want to hear in again.
In should be it, right?
Quote: “Ah, come on, mommy. Just one more time,”
Mommy should be capitalized, since Moira is saying it as a name.
Just a couple of grammar things there.
This is a cute prologue! It is a prologue, right?
Here's an idea: I'm assuming that this is a prologue and the whole rest of the story will be Eirian's tale of how she met Moira's grandfather. So, if that's the case, it would be interesting to have no names in this part. And then the grandmother would go into the whole story about the grandfather and the Elemental Gem and everything. That would keep everything a little more mysterious, too. Right now, I don't really care about Rosa or Moira, and I'll probably forget about them, since Eirian's story will take place before they were born.
Otherwise, I think this is going to be great! Keep writing, PM me if you need anything.
As promised!
First of all, thank you for keeping it short! You could post a bit more, but this is a nice legnth.
[/quote]An old woman sat in a rocking chair with her hands in her lap, rocking back and forth. She enjoyed the warmth of the fire as it radiated from the hearth. Her face was wrinkled with time. Her long, once black hair was now white with old age. Her dark green eyes had dimmed with the years passed by. She sat there, minding her own business when her granddaughter came in and plopped herself down at her feet.
“Grandma Eirian?” the little girl inquired.
“Yes dear?” Eirian answered with a question of her own. Should be Yes, dear. With a comma
“Can you tell me the story of how you and grandfather met again?” the little girl asked as she got into her grandmother’s lap.
“Moira, you have heard that story quite a few times already,” Eirian said.
“I know, but I want to hear inYou mean it again. Your story with grandfather is very interesting and adventurous,” Moira said as she lean against her. change lean to leaned
“Mom, have you seen Moira?” the little girl’s mother inquired as she came to the doorway.
“I’m right here and I was about to hear grandma’s tale,” Moira said as she looked at her mother. I can't imagine a little kid saying tale
“Not the one where she meets grandpa again,” the mother said. The small child nodded. “But it’s getting close to your bed time.” The little girl says grandfather but the Mom says grandpa. Stay consistent. I would choose grandpa because she calls Eirian grandma.
“Ah, come on, mommy. Just one more time,” Moira pleaded with her mother.
“Rosa, let’s make a deal: she can stay up and listen to the story,” Eirian said to Roser.Did you mean Rosa? The little girl cheered. The old woman turned to the little girl and said “but Moira, you have to help your mom with the chores all next week.”
“Ah, all right,” the little girl said with a pout on her face. Rosa shared a smile with her mother.
“Thanks, mom,” Rosa said before she went back into the kitchen. Moira and her grandmother got comfortable in her rocking chair near the fire.
“Ready, grandma,” Moira said as she stared intently at Eirian.
“Alright. In the year of the great goddess, Aeona….” She started.de-capitalize she
[quote]
All in All
This was intreresting and leaves the reader wanting more.
The only things that bothered me were what bothered Rosey:
-lack of proper nouns is confusing. Don't just say "her" "she"
-every paragraph began with dialogue.
Not much happened, so I can't critique plot...
This review wasn't that great, sorry.
-Sakura
A good piece.
I think the tittle is a bit weird, couldn't you change it to The Gem of Elements or something, it just sounds a little off.
Yes, much better. No line-by-line nit-picks!
I like the way you changed the ending. Makes you want to read more.
One overall thing, however. It can drive me a little nuts to have every paragraph start with quotes. Put some of the actions in before the spoken bits (on the same line) to make it feel a little more natural.
Okay, you guys. I tried to fix everything that you said was wrong with it. if you guys would come back and look at it again.
I promised that the next chapter will be more fantastic.
thanks again to looking at The Elemental Gem.
Here as requested!
"Fire" and "fireplace" are very close. You might want to change "fireplace" to "hearth."
The way this is phrased it's redundant. Try: Her long, once black hair was now white with age.
Had dimmed.
You go present tense here. And, what's the deal?
Overall: An interesting start. One of the few prologues I've read where it doesn't feel like an eserp.
One general nit-pick that drove me a little nuts: The lack of proper names in the prose. That became very confusing once three characters were introduced. I'd be nice to get their names tagged onto when their speaking.
Hello! litte tin fish covered most of what I saw, so I really only have one thing to add:
Your grammars off here. "making" should be "make", "stayed" should be "stay", and "listens" should be "listen".
All in all, I thought you did a great job. PM me if you write more :3
Hiii~ :D
As a first line, this isn't particularly catchy, not least when you start of describing the size of the house XD The old woman is much more interesting, so just start straight out with her.
Also! I think that should be back and forth, back and forward doesn't really sound right XD I guess you could use backwards and forwards, but that doesn't sound as snappy ;D
Should be passed. Past is the opposite of present, passed is the past-tense form of pass. They all sound really similar, and it is easy to slip up ^^
I don't think you really need to specify her age, it's not really all that important. Besides, if she's plopping herself down at her nana's feet, I'd take her to be pretty young anyway.
If Moira's only nine, then will she be that inteserested in romance? I know at that age I was still picking up rocks to poke the at the bugs underneath. I'd just switch another word in if it were me.
You do this a few times, refering to people as 'the grandmother' or 'the mother', and it sounds quite impersonal, like they don't have real names. Even just using her (as they all the titles seem to be given in terms of their relationship with Moira), or switching little things around, such as starting having Moira and her grandmother got comfortable in the rocking chair.
You've got a nice idea here, it's kinda homely with the fireside story and grandparent/grandchild thing.
I think you'd do good to add a little more description to help make the characters seem more realistic, as at the moment they're a little flat At present a lot of it is dialouge, so while they're talking there's not an awful lot of physical interaction, if that makes sense? More of how they act towards each other, rather than what they're just saying.
You have a few typos too, but a read-through should be able to pick up those.
Is this sort of like a prolouge? I can imagine the grandmother's story turning into the narritive of the first chaper. I guess there'd be more fantasy elements too? They're kinda hard to pick up on at the moment, just that mentioning at the end about the Godess
Well, if you have any questions feel free to drop me a PM and what not; I'd be more than happy to answer them ^^